


Eggs Replaced by Eggs

by Krissielee



Series: Kingsman Tumblr Prompts [2]
Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-28
Updated: 2015-12-28
Packaged: 2018-05-10 01:02:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5562736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Krissielee/pseuds/Krissielee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You've been replaced." Eggsy's gift to Harry <i>might</i> have backfired a little</p>
            </blockquote>





	Eggs Replaced by Eggs

**Author's Note:**

> Title courtesy of [LunarNightshade](http://archiveofourown.org/users/LunarNightshade) 'cause she's glorious. The fic's all [Mitslits](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Mitslits)'s fault. She wanted crack, based on [this](http://41.media.tumblr.com/27bba06aaa9bcd1929f6f84f8f46f16a/tumblr_inline_o01nwyDdJ01qk2ijw_500.jpg) picture. She got it. ^^;;

Harry stared at the box, wholly unamused by the entire situation. Eggsy had dropped off the garishly-wrapped package on his way out the door, already late for his flight to Cuba. He was supposed to thwart a counterfeit documents maker whose IDs were creating havoc among authorities worldwide, and Kingsman was going to nip this problem before it worsened.

The note stuck to the top of the package in Eggsy’s messy writing (the reason Harry insisted on typed debriefs), simply said:

> So you don’t forget about me till I’m back xx

As if Harry ever forgot about Eggsy anyway. He carefully tore the paper away and groaned. This? This was too far. Too much. Too mortifying. The brat had bought him an egg cooker and defaced the box; he’d changed every instance of the word “egg” to “eggsy.” Underlined the words “[easy](http://assets.farmandfleet.com/p600/919975-20150728060931-as-seen-on-tv-eggtastic.jpg)” and “every time,” too. Circled the word “[sandwich](http://www.robohara.com/pix/blog/eggtastic_2.jpg)” with a note to the side about _you, me, and Merlin?_ and fat chance of _that_ ever happening; Harry would sooner have snogged Chester than suggest sharing anyone with Merlin.

After that, Harry was almost scared to open the box. But he was a spy, damn it, and wasn’t going to be cowed by a box, no matter how suggestive the young man had been with his sharpie.

The egg-shaped cooker was … well, it looked safe. Still wrapped in its protective plastic and taped up.

He should have known better. Eggsy, too, was a spy, after all.

Inside the cooker—because of course Harry had to check the entire thing; he didn’t trust Eggsy for a second—was a bottle of lube, a packet of condoms, and an _[egg masturbator](http://www.harmonystore.co.uk/tenga-crater-hard-boiled-egg)_. Harry’s only saving grace was that he was alone in his office when he’d received the gift. If Merlin had seen it, Harry would have to shoot their resident tech wizard with an amnesia dart or endure endless teasing for the rest of his life.

Everything was boxed back up and shoved unceremoniously under Harry’s desk. He still had a few hours to go and too many reports left before he could go back home, and he’d have to avoid being caught by any of the other knights on his way out with the egg cooker.

In the meantime, Harry crafted a response to Eggsy’s present.

‘So, how did u like ur gift?’ Eggsy texted that night, and Harry smirked, making sure to take a picture of his cock wrapped in the masturbator, a plate of scrambled eggs visible just in the frame.

‘You’ve been replaced,’ Harry replied.

He was sure Eggsy would prove him wrong when he returned from his mission.

Harry looked forward to it already.


End file.
